Still haven’t felt much like writing lately. Partly it’s because I’ve been down, discouraged, and overwhelmed with time & money pressures. But it is also simply because I’ve been burning myself out on writing in order to make some (future) income. I have finished two book projects so far this month, and have them actually physically published on CreateSpace — Amazon.com’s “independent publishing platform”. I cannot mention the book titles here, because I cannot realistically mix my “daytime” or “professional” image with my SynthGirl (inherently flawed and non-professional) one. Please forgive my inconsistency which I must maintain, in order to maintain a semblance of consistency elsewhere, haha. I can say, however, that the books are NOT fiction or poetry or art-related, and are also not memoirs or biographies at all (when I do that, I WILL use my SynthGirl name!!).
Hey, how many people do you know who have TWO books published within 3 weeks, but who is so poor and far behind on bills that no one in the world celebrates? Yep, that’s right. My hubby and kids gave me a nearly silent thumbs-up, but there is just so much stress and worry, that having the potential of having FUTURE success and income just doesn’t make much difference. Depressing, yes — but only if I think about it, which I’ve been trying NOT to.
Everything else has been pretty much a failure. We thought this one Christian agency was going to help us out a LOT based on their super-altruistic-sounding brochures, but all they did was promise to pay our next electric bill — which isn’t even due until April. The one bill we are NOT behind on yet…!!! They wouldn’t touch our $900 bill for overdue rent, which is the biggest stressor — all because we live in a trailer instead of a house — even though it is in a “normal” neighborhood surrounded by a mix of trailers and houses – with big backyards and everything else “normal”! They said the government won’t give them funding for trailers…! Gee, I thought they got at least some funding from the community, not just the government, but Oh, well…
Also, despite the fact that I have wasted so much of the last 2-3 months looking for a job and having all kinds of interviews, no one has hired me. My son, on the other hand, just started a part-time job this week at our local Home Depot — less than a 10 minute walk from home, so he can save up his money for a car and insurance – which he will really need, because we of course have failed as parents to provide them for any of the kids. I don’t even know how I am going to pay my own car insurance in another 2 weeks.
So I had accepted the fact that God STILL is closing all the doors behind me when I look for work, always, always turning my attention back to my own business which He himself started me doing, back in 2004. That is how I have managed to finish 2 books in 3 weeks — because for a short time I have felt “allowed” to focus on my own work instead of looking to work for someone else.
Don’t know exactly how it happened, but today I am back to the same discouragement and confusion. I know exactly what I am supposed to do next with my other book projects — in fact, the next 3 are a series, and I have a LOT more hope for those to be successful, than the two I just published, combined. But we need money NOW! I have somehow managed to LOOOOOOSE that feeling of assurance that I am doing what God wants me to do. I am scared again. Maybe it has to do with the events of the last 20 hours or so…
I had some pretty rough struggles last night, Jo coming out in full force, terrified first that my dead mother was going to get me (Jo REALLY does not understand the concept of death, after being in more than one grave herself and living to tell about it!) — then just a short while later, constantly “hearing” this mean little song my sister used to sing to me, and how she convinced me that as long as I could “hear” that song, it meant the bad men could still get me. About 3 o’clock in the morning, I finally had a breakthrough, felt like God had taken the song from my head and replaced it with enough faith to give the whole thing to Him. I did. I slept. Then I told my Mate about it a few hours later, just before my alarm went off.
Then he unloaded all his own worries and angers in a giant long soliloquy, once I got back from driving the kids to school. I am still learning how my Mate’s anger and disappointment are NOT directed at me, even though it may SOUND that way sometimes. Just today, we came to the understanding that he may pick apart all these little things I do and tell me how they may have “caused” all this bad stuff to happen (like the Christian place refusing to help us), but that he is actually mad at the other people involved, and how they reacted to my naive openness and “innocence” — whatever I said, didn’t say, did, or didn’t do.
I still don’t quite get it, how being REAL can cause us to not get jobs or help… Would it be BETTER to lie and say we live in a house, not a trailer — and get our rent paid? Sometimes I feel so confused, so stupid, so desperately inadequate…!! And now I feel, what could I possibly create, that will do anyone any good??