Not So Great

i wish the world knew how much i feel like just a lost little girl who needs god and fears people

Still haven’t felt much like writing lately. Partly it’s because I’ve been down, discouraged, and overwhelmed with time & money pressures. But it is also simply because I’ve been burning myself out on writing in order to make some (future) income. I have finished two book projects so far this month, and have them actually physically published on CreateSpace — Amazon.com’s “independent publishing platform”. I cannot mention the book titles here, because I cannot realistically mix my “daytime” or “professional” image with my SynthGirl (inherently flawed and non-professional) one. Please forgive my inconsistency which I must maintain, in order to maintain a semblance of consistency elsewhere, haha. I can say, however, that the books are NOT fiction or poetry or art-related, and are also not memoirs or biographies at all (when I do that, I WILL use my SynthGirl name!!).

Hey, how many people do you know who have TWO books published within 3 weeks, but who is so poor and far behind on bills that no one in the world celebrates? Yep, that’s right. My hubby and kids gave me a nearly silent thumbs-up, but there is just so much stress and worry, that having the potential of having FUTURE success and income just doesn’t make much difference. Depressing, yes — but only if I think about it, which I’ve been trying NOT to.

Everything else has been pretty much a failure. We thought this one Christian agency was going to help us out a LOT based on their super-altruistic-sounding brochures, but all they did was promise to pay our next electric bill — which isn’t even due until April. The one bill we are NOT behind on yet…!!! They wouldn’t touch our $900 bill for overdue rent, which is the biggest stressor — all because we live in a trailer instead of a house — even though it is in a “normal” neighborhood surrounded by a mix of trailers and houses – with big backyards and everything else “normal”! They said the government won’t give them funding for trailers…! Gee, I thought they got at least some funding from the community, not just the government, but Oh, well…

Also, despite the fact that I have wasted so much of the last 2-3 months looking for a job and having all kinds of interviews, no one has hired me. My son, on the other hand, just started a part-time job this week at our local Home Depot — less than a 10 minute walk from home, so he can save up his money for a car and insurance – which he will really need, because we of course have failed as parents to provide them for any of the kids. I don’t even know how I am going to pay my own car insurance in another 2 weeks.

So I had accepted the fact that God STILL is closing all the doors behind me when I look for work, always, always turning my attention back to my own business which He himself started me doing, back in 2004. That is how I have managed to finish 2 books in 3 weeks — because for a short time I have felt “allowed” to focus on my own work instead of looking to work for someone else.

i wish the world knew how much i feel like just a lost little girl who needs god and fears people

Don’t know exactly how it happened, but today I am back to the same discouragement and confusion. I know exactly what I am supposed to do next with my other book projects — in fact, the next 3 are a series, and I have a LOT more hope for those to be successful, than the two I just published, combined. But we need money NOW! I have somehow managed to LOOOOOOSE that feeling of assurance that I am doing what God wants me to do. I am scared again. Maybe it has to do with the events of the last 20 hours or so…

I had some pretty rough struggles last night, Jo coming out in full force, terrified first that my dead mother was going to get me (Jo REALLY does not understand the concept of death, after being in more than one grave herself and living to tell about it!) — then just a short while later, constantly “hearing” this mean little song my sister used to sing to me, and how she convinced me that as long as I could “hear” that song, it meant the bad men could still get me. About 3 o’clock in the morning, I finally had a breakthrough, felt like God had taken the song from my head and replaced it with enough faith to give the whole thing to Him. I did. I slept. Then I told my Mate about it a few hours later, just before my alarm went off.

Then he unloaded all his own worries and angers in a giant long soliloquy, once I got back from driving the kids to school. I am still learning how my Mate’s anger and disappointment are NOT directed at me, even though it may SOUND that way sometimes. Just today, we came to the understanding that he may pick apart all these little things I do and tell me how they may have “caused” all this bad stuff to happen (like the Christian place refusing to help us), but that he is actually mad at the other people involved, and how they reacted to my naive openness and “innocence” — whatever I said, didn’t say, did, or didn’t do.

I still don’t quite get it, how being REAL can cause us to not get jobs or help… Would it be BETTER to lie and say we live in a house, not a trailer — and get our rent paid? Sometimes I feel so confused, so stupid, so desperately inadequate…!! And now I feel, what could I possibly create, that will do anyone any good??


 

Every little bit helps - thank you, kind friend! :D

6 Responses to Not So Great

  1. So sorry to hear that you and your family are still having such huge financial struggles. It does seem as if God is continually directing you back to what He told you to do in the first place, which maybe doesn’t seem to make sense because you need money NOW. Faith is sometimes more of a roller coaster ride than anything else; I know that I struggle with my faith more in the area of financial concerns than in any other area of my life. Why is it so difficult to hold strong and fast when it comes to money?

    [removed email address for security sake]

    • SynthGirl says:

      Too scared ATM to reveal book titles in context of SynthGirl. Please forgive me, BD. I know you mean well – you’re an awesome friend!! :D

  2. Out of the Ashes says:

    Oh, Synthgirl, I am saddened to know that you are still going through all this turmoil. I know it does not help insiders feel safe at all. I am so sorry. In reading your posts about the financial issues, I get the impression, and I could be wrong, that the solution to all this has been laid heavily on your shoulders. I hope this isn’t the case because it is too much to bear for one person. I know the feeling well of being the only one who can generate income, assuming people will buy the products you are offering of course and working all hours of the day and night with little return. All the while begging God for help. I’ve been there. The end result was frustration with everyone in my home including God as I ran myself ragged and everyone else seemed to sit and watch. I’d like to be able to give you a simple solution to this but of course there isn’t one as God’s dealings with each of us is individual and varies. I do know His provision has always come into our lives with less effort when the burden was shared more equally between my husband and me. I’ve also seen Him move in my life when I did something that seems most foolish to the onlooker. I laid everything aside and spent some quality time with Him and His word. The further I get from Him and His Word as a daily part of my life, the more out of control my life becomes. I admit that I can get caught up with the cares of this world especially in regard to finances, but also when other “cares” seem more important than HIm. Even in this healing process, I find I get tunnel vision and forget to take time for Him. That is when everything starts to feel shaky and irritating and like all these problems have no solutions simply because they look impossible to me. I’ve really been taking my own advice here as of late, trying to balance all of the pieces of my life with fellowship with Him. Seek first, the Kingdom of God and all the rest will be added.

    Continued love and prayers,
    Ash

    • SynthGirl says:

      Oh, definitely true on both accounts — I LOVE to read and do it daily for pleasure and to grow professionally & personally — but long ago I made a deal with myself that I would not allow myself to read anything else before I prayerfully read some scriptures. And just like you said, if I go too long (usually 3 days) without this stabilizing “fuel”, I get pretty out of whack. Also, just yesterday my husband did a few hours of paid work. Yes, I’ve been shouldering the entire weight of the finances myself, since he got injured in late September of last year… Horrible, that – as you described. But yesterday he made $75 and even that little bit helped. Today was even better — he made no money, but stuck up for me, fought for my comfort, even — against a situation that could have brought us a little cash, for a lot of stress on my part. He said if it causes me that much stress, to heck with them. That support has given me more than any money he could make. And it helped me feel more certain that I am inside of God’s will, and all is well, and will get better.

      I am writing this at the same time as composing a reply to your Bridges entry on your blog, hahaha! I had to come here, to see where the pic of my town bridge is, on my collage… :D

      Prayers to you, right back — and my Mate wants you to know that even though he doesn’t know you or your situation, he believes in you & your healing, because I do — and I rarely do that. :D :P

  3. Just wanted to let you know that the missing comments you left finally showed up on my blog. For some reason they were held aside and labeled as spam. Not sure why.

    Also, don’t worry about not wanting to give me the titles of your books. That’s just fine. I want to support you in any way I can, and thought this would be a good way to do so. If you ever feel differently about it and want to share the titles with me, that’s great. But no pressure whatsoever.

    I’m glad to hear your mate was able to earn a bit of money, and that he stuck up for you. How gratifying that must have been. And you’re right, his support is priceless.

    • SynthGirl says:

      Thanks, Beauty! I am so glad to hear my comments have popped up… don’t know why they’d be in the spam folder, tho – maybe I shouldn’t include my URL in my tagline. I’ll try that. :D

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